It’s Cinco de Mayo soon, and we know you’re already thinking about happy hour. But before you order another round of margaritas, take a quick look around your office and ask yourself: If your coworkers were Cinco De Mayo drinks, which ones would they be?
The “Work Hubby/Wifey” is a dependable friend that understands what you’re going through. The silent language of the working spouse is one they have perfected. They know how to communicate with crossed eyes, foot jabs, and face-only conversations. They’ve saved you from more than a few HR explosions; you would go crazy without them.
As they sip their drink, he or she says: “Let’s keep up appearances with one more drink, and then we can make a quick exit to your place. I’ve got Patron in my bag.”
2. La Paloma
The: Up-and-coming Wunderkind who kind of scares you. They graduated 5 years after you did, and somehow are now your direct supervisor. You’d despise them if they didn’t constantly say and do things that are so bizarre, you spend more time trying to understand them than hating on them. (For example: What is a Paloma? And why is it your new favorite drink?! You don’t know, do you?)
Says, while they sip: “I’m yachting with our CFO this weekend, but maybe next, you guys can join my Future TED Talkers’ Think Tank? My partner can brew us bulletproof coffee in our patchouli garden.”
They’re the: Office Cool Girl. She has some new-fangled, possibly made-up positions like Harmony Coordinator or Social Media Exorciser. Her style is a mix of hipster, chic, indie, norm-core, Gigi Hadid, and Taylor Swift; you take solace in the fact that she probably gets up 4 hours before you do each morning.
Says, while they sip: “Want some? Y’know what, just take it. The bartender is my eyebrow guy’s barber, so we’re golden.”
4. Freaking White Wine
The people who fall into this category are typically the serious, rule-enforcing types – think Business Manager or Billings Coordinator. They voted against having an open bar at the Christmas party and they’re just here to show face (Michelada insisted that they join). These folks make everyone feel mildly judged and then they head home in time for DWTS.
Says, while they sip: “Oh, no, thank you. Plant-based liquids give me indigestion.”
5. Tequila Shot
They’re the new assistant at the office. They moved to the city with big dreams and a blog, but they’re slowly realizing that it’s full of challenges. They can’t remember who made the coffee order today, and they won’t take their shot until White Wine leaves.
Says, while they sip: “Ooh, this lighting might offset my eyebags—could you take my pic?”
6. One Corona in Each Hand
The IT guy is always slightly twitchy and disgruntled. He spends most of his time on the phone with older coworkers, explaining where the T button went or that he didn’t move their mouse last night. tonight, he’s out for revenge.
Says, while they sip: “This is just my starting thing. I mean, I programmed my version of Minesweeper when I was eight. Eight.”
The intern is always eager, persistent, and so earnest that it makes your eyeballs dry up as they yap happily at your cubicle. They mean well, but they’re always so misinformed. For example, they don’t know that you can’t use Megan’s “HR Expo 2010” mug as your coffee cup. Also, they have no idea that sangria is a Spanish drink. Oh well, at least they’re young.
Says, while they sip: “But seriously, guys, I feel like I can ask this now… Where do we keep the good printer paper?”
8. Skips the Drinks, Orders Tacos
They’re the: object of your affection, who you can’t help but admire from afar. You don’t even know what they do, but every time they walk by the conference room, everything gets all rose-colored and dreamy. And ugh, tacos—they just would, that’s so… I love you!
Says, while they munch: “Can I get another order, to go? For the bae at home.” *heart breaks*
Photo: Rusty Hill / Getty Images