Who run the world? Michelle.
THE STORY: The DNC has officially started. Remember Barack Obama of ’08? He is in fact the same guy in the Oval Office. Night one re-energized the American Dream by welcoming Hispanics, women, African-Americans, and gay people into Obama’s America, the one that Mitt just can’t understand. It’s like a really intense episode of “Glee.”
Since it’s DNC time, can Romney just relax all week? Um, no. A new national poll showed Romney only got a one-point bounce from the RNC. While that’s pretty standard these days, he made virtually no progress winning over women voters. Democrats everywhere rejoiced and passed out free birth control pills.
Is everyone in a good mood? Not so much. DNC Chairwoman, Debbie Wasserman Schultz came under fire for reportedly saying Israel’s ambassador to the U.S. called Republican policies “dangerous” to Israel. The ambassador categorically denied saying that. Wasserman Schultz said she was misquoted. Then, the DNC’s platform garnered criticism for its failure to acknowledge Jerusalem as the capital of Israel, a hotly contested issue between Israel and Palestine. Sounds like someone needs a shot of Manischewitz.
Did Obama break any records yet? Yes, but not the ones he wanted. The national debt officially topped $16 trillion, hours before the DNC began. Spin time for the Dems. Fresh bait for the GOP.
Does Barack really cry after Michelle does her thing? President Obama said he would struggle not to cry during Michelle’s DNC speech, “when Michelle starts talking, I start getting all misty.” We’re guessing after that speech, he bawled like a baby.
Was it ladies night? Pretty much, but set to Salsa music. In sum: want a boyfriend with a gun? Go to the RNC. Want a woman who won’t stop saying she owns her body? Go to the DNC. And leave your copy of “50 Shades of Grey” at home.
WHO TALKED THE TALK?
Nancy Pelosi: The House Democratic leader took the stage to “I’m Every Woman” (subtlety is not lost on the conventions) and introduced herself as Mimi. Cute. She declared that the women are here. We noticed.
Deval Patrick: If Deval Patrick told you to jump off a cliff, would you? If he did with the same energy and force that he used at the DNC, then probably. The MA Gov. slammed Mitt Romney’s record and yelled at Dems to “stiffen [their] backbone and stand up for what [they] believe.” Ten-hut!
Obama siblings: Michelle’s brother, Craig, and Barack’s sister, Maya, reminded us about Barack and Michelle, the people, not the leaders in a messed up economy.
Julian Castro: There’s two of him. Only one gave a historic speech as the first Latino to deliver the DNC keynote address and did his job by defending President Obama. The San Antonio Mayor talked about the magic of America in the context of his grandmother’s struggle moving here from Mexico as an orphan, and painted Romney as the candidate of ‘no,’ except when he flops to ‘yes’ on healthcare. We’ll be seeing some more of him.
Michelle Obama: The opening video to the First Lady reminded us that Barack loves Michelle and Michelle can beat us at every middle school sports event ever. Looking stunning and delivering a dynamic speech, Michelle spoke not as the First Lady but as a mom who worried for her two children and was once young, in love, and broke. She did exactly what the Obama campaign wanted her to do: became the best character witness for Barack. Ever. She re-drew the image of Barack Obama as the American dream and for a second made us forget what hasn’t happened over the last four years – jobs, economic growth, you know, the small stuff. But hey, Michelle still loves him, so maybe America will too? If not, she sure made herself an appealing candidate.
REPEAT AFTER ME…
What to say when in need of inspiration…Maybe I can write the next “Scarface” movie since Colombia’s ‘Queen of Cocaine’ has been dethroned. Griselda Blanco, mastermind behind countless murders and notorious for sending multi-ton shipments of cocaine to Miami, was assassinated in a residential neighborhood.
What people are horrified by… Shots were fired, one person was killed, and an arrest was madeduring a victory rally for Quebec’s new premier, Pauline Marois.
What to say while budgeting… It’s nice to know that while I sit here trying to figure out how to balance my paycheck and rent, a federal judge has ruled that Massachusetts prison officials must provide an inmate with a sex-change operation on the taxpayer dime. The inmate was born a he but has had hormone treatments and is now serving a life sentence in an all-male prison as a she for murdering his/her wife.
What to say in a meeting… This is a textbook damage control move. Mark Zuckerberg said in an SEC filing that he will not sell any of his almost 500 million shares of Facebook stock for one year, in order to help quell buyers’ fears over the declining stock price. There, don’t you feel better, now?
What to say when your call drops… I just keep telling myself, September 12th, September 12th,. That’s when Apple is rumored to reveal the iPhone 5. Unfortunately, hackers have rained on its parade a bit. AntiSec claims to have gotten millions of Apple IDs from hacking into a FBI computer. The FBI says this aint so. A Gawker writer has given into the hackers’ terrorist demands to pose in a tutu in order to get an interview.
What to say to your doctor… Do you use mouthwash? Just in case I go into cardiac arrest and you have to do extra CPR on me, I want to make it a more pleasurable experience. A new study suggestsdoctors give up too soon on CPR. Never let go, Doc, never let go.
What to say on a date…I’m not a Scientologist but I am auditioning you to be my future husband, like Tom Cruise allegedly did after his split with Nicole Kidman. “Crash” director and former Xenu (we mean Scientologist) Paul Haggis backs up a Vanity Fair article that says Cruise auditioned his friend, Naz, to be his wife before Katie landed the gig.
Photo courtesy of Stan Honda/AFP/Getty Images